Back In Time
Tonight after working out and showering, I got distracted playing soduko and pretending like I wasn't eavesdropping on American Idol in the next room. As a result, my hair dried free of any guidance. Undoubtedly, while I pondered the placement of the last few threes, I tugged at my bangs, and when I went upstairs and passed a mirror, the thick fringe falling straight above my mascara-free eyes created a picture eerily similar to the 8th-grade version of Tiffany, and I was not pleased.
This displeasure was not just because of the wavy mess staring back at me, but because oddly, the sight sent a momentary wave of emotions over me, a slight panic that this girl was really me; that 9 years, a big college, and a flat iron had not brought me past the awkward kid caught between wanting to be unique and wanting to belong.
In actuality, though, I had a fantastic jr. high experience. "Homeschooler" label aside, I had crushes, kisses, best friends and sleepovers. I played truth or dare, I played leads in shows, I played frisbee tag for hours with a great group of buddies...why in the world did I react that way?
I don't think the mirror incident was a reflection on my past, though, but my present. Lately I've felt rather stagnant. I am working, doing costume stuff, but I am not visibly moving in any sparkly exciting direction, nor am I doing what I really want to do - performing. I'm incredibly thankful to my family for graciously allowing me residence at home while I piece together work and build a steady career out of short-term jobs. Their generosity allows me to pursue my aspirations in a way that I would not be able to if I were paying rent on an apartment, and no cute little place with a couch of my own is worth my dreams. At times, however, when work isn't coming and I can't figure out how to break into it all, it is easy to despair. Seeing myself in throwback mode was almost like mockery, saying "You are nowhere! You are in the same seat, looking the same way, as you did at age 14!" That is just a flat-out lie. What else should I expect, though, from the evil one? It is the prince of lies that tells me I am not good enough and must be achieving to be worthwhile. Thankfully, his isn't the voice I'm listening to!
Dreams will be fulfilled, promises kept, and I am valued whether I look like an awkward teen or a confident young woman. It just amazes me sometimes how little it can take to look away from the love in God's eyes for me. Now that - not frizzy hair or unimpressive jobs - is what should really leave me unsettled. So what if I AM that girl under it all? God loved her just as much as He does me, and to be honest, she probably deserves it more.
This displeasure was not just because of the wavy mess staring back at me, but because oddly, the sight sent a momentary wave of emotions over me, a slight panic that this girl was really me; that 9 years, a big college, and a flat iron had not brought me past the awkward kid caught between wanting to be unique and wanting to belong.
In actuality, though, I had a fantastic jr. high experience. "Homeschooler" label aside, I had crushes, kisses, best friends and sleepovers. I played truth or dare, I played leads in shows, I played frisbee tag for hours with a great group of buddies...why in the world did I react that way?
I don't think the mirror incident was a reflection on my past, though, but my present. Lately I've felt rather stagnant. I am working, doing costume stuff, but I am not visibly moving in any sparkly exciting direction, nor am I doing what I really want to do - performing. I'm incredibly thankful to my family for graciously allowing me residence at home while I piece together work and build a steady career out of short-term jobs. Their generosity allows me to pursue my aspirations in a way that I would not be able to if I were paying rent on an apartment, and no cute little place with a couch of my own is worth my dreams. At times, however, when work isn't coming and I can't figure out how to break into it all, it is easy to despair. Seeing myself in throwback mode was almost like mockery, saying "You are nowhere! You are in the same seat, looking the same way, as you did at age 14!" That is just a flat-out lie. What else should I expect, though, from the evil one? It is the prince of lies that tells me I am not good enough and must be achieving to be worthwhile. Thankfully, his isn't the voice I'm listening to!
Dreams will be fulfilled, promises kept, and I am valued whether I look like an awkward teen or a confident young woman. It just amazes me sometimes how little it can take to look away from the love in God's eyes for me. Now that - not frizzy hair or unimpressive jobs - is what should really leave me unsettled. So what if I AM that girl under it all? God loved her just as much as He does me, and to be honest, she probably deserves it more.
posted by Tiffany at 7:10 PM
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